I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
Where does it all go? I've busted inside of you like 10 times in the last week.
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
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