I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
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