my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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