Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
.It's like gods test of willpower against vaginal comfort
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
