my mouth tastes like poor choices
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Randomize
