At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
Another weekend, another 3 guys I have to awkwardly avoid while crossing campus...
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
Randomize