Three words: puerto rican gang bang
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
if i died would you start the facebook group?
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
I think we might need a safe word for this...
Randomize
