The best feeling....farting and having the bubble hit your balls
just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
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