I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
Randomize
