last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
can we get nightvision for the apartment?
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
We all have our weaknesses that drive us crazy. We happen to have one in common, 21 year olds. Your secrets safe. Touch his penis.
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
Randomize
