Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
Randomize
