Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
Randomize
