I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
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