I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
Randomize
