i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Randomize
