I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
Randomize
