how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
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