I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
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