genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
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