Do you feel that fire radiating from matt's crotch for you
Gross. gingers suck
What a fucking waste of an outfit
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
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