Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
where are my eyebrows?
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Randomize
