Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
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