i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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