I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
