the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
This may be a weird question to ask someone who is 21 years old, but are you grounded?
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Randomize
