You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
Randomize
