2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
That would make regret #10
He was more like the original regret
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
Randomize
