When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
This is like 50 shades on steroids but with healthy relationship models and mutual respect among all parties involved and lesbian activity.
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
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