I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
Randomize
