I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
i swear to god. if they dont have practically DTF written on their foreheads, or a glowstick in their hands, strictly no entry.
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Randomize