I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
Quick question: how do I take a nice picture of my ass? I'm asking you because I figure with an ass like yours you're probably experienced.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Randomize
