Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
You started having a threesome right in front of me.
lololol that's what happened?
Stephanie looked me right in the eye while she was going down on you. It made me really uncomfortable.
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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