sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
Randomize
