That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
This adderall has me convinced I'm an Econ major.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
Randomize
