my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
I got 70 on my final, or put differently, I got a "still graduating" on my final.
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
Found the puke drawer
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Randomize
