I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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