I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
Randomize
