I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
fireball beer pong. youre missing out
how is that even possible?
ove gloves.
be there in ten.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Randomize
