If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
Boobs speak an international language.
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
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