the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
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