We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Randomize
