WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
Randomize
