Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
Nick had a break down & said to me "Everybody's mad at me, I'm the douchebag, Im the fucking douchebag that everyone hates, Do you wanna come home with this douchebag?!"
You're going home with him aren't you?
I'll see ya in the morning when I leave his house
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
Randomize
