My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
