i dont care about people's attitudes as long as they give me head
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
Randomize
