If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
Could you imagine if a Skynet machine combination of Bob Ross and Chuck Norris were built? It would rule the universe with a soft spoken fan brush of kung fu dominance
It would be truly incredible. I hope we are blessed with this being in our lifetime.
After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
only if we run a train.
done.
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
