I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
Dude i dont know how people can complain that waterboarding is such a bad thing. I just sat through a fucking puddle of mudd show. Now thats torture
I just googled maps his house, and took the virtual tour back to my apartment, just so I could visualize the walk of shame in the morning
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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