New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Randomize
