My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Part in the USA is on your top 25 most played on iTunes. you have NO RIGHT to judge me.
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
