worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
We're hate flirting, damnit.
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