those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
Bang-toberfest begins!!
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
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