I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
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